You know, most times I try to find the funny in things. I try to see what others dont, point it out and share the humor in the world, but some days, some days are just painful. You cant find the humor in anything. Nothing is funny, and it is just hard to try and see the bright spots in things.
This was definitely was a windshield day.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
Fashion, how about trash
Today was your ordinary run of the mill 13 hours work day. My guys came back from unloading an entire office in Seattle, so I wanted to help unload this truckload of furniture. I do believe the problem started when I tried to help unload this truckload of furniture. I think the issue is the fact that i am an old chubby guy now. Lets face it, when I was 24 I could have knocked this truck out by myself in about 45 minutes. How ever, I am now scaring the crap out of 45 and seem to have found a few extra pounds.
So there I am trying to help my staff, sweating like a hooker in church. Its bad, I mean I am dying. Lucky for me, I work with a bunch of fit 22-28 year-olds. This really helps. We finally finish this truck and I decide to meet my wife and my in-laws for dinner. Oh yeah I am dressed for this. I am sure I smell like a high school locker room, but off I go.
We decide to visit a small french bistro we like to frequent called "Le In-N-Out". Now as I pull up there are hundreds of cars around the parking lot and I can hear music just pumping. Well my keen grasp of the here and now determines, something is up.
After parking about six and a half miles from our little ristorante, I realize there is a fashion show going on in the parking lot of the In-N-Out. Now I know Draper thinks they are just about a step ahead of the rest of Utah, but seriously a fashion show in a burger joint parking lot? I mean what is next? a lawn mower race in a trailer park? Classy Draper, very classy.
Well me and my nosiness decides to sit and watch this trainwreck for as long as I can without being caught ignoring the conversation with my wife and her in-laws.
It turns out, it is considered a "fashion show" to have a dozen 19-23 year old "girls" strut around the 'stage' (also useful for parking cars) in jeans, ridiculously high heels, and a wife beater. All of them, in wifebeaters. ALL OF THEM!
What really set them apart was the color of the bras, black, teal, and the ever classy red bra under a white wife beater. Oh yes, this is truly a fashion show. For an hour, they walked around, danced, put weird things on their head (I truly have no idea what was going on here) and just simply embarrassed themselves. Fashion show....I think not.
The best part was after watching this for about an hour, in public, in a parking lot, in the open (are you picking up what I am putting down here?) I asked one of the fine employees of said eating establishment what was going on, they told me it was a fashion show supporting this or the other and I could buy a ticket to watch it for $25.
How about I just sit in the parking lot for free.....
So there I am trying to help my staff, sweating like a hooker in church. Its bad, I mean I am dying. Lucky for me, I work with a bunch of fit 22-28 year-olds. This really helps. We finally finish this truck and I decide to meet my wife and my in-laws for dinner. Oh yeah I am dressed for this. I am sure I smell like a high school locker room, but off I go.
We decide to visit a small french bistro we like to frequent called "Le In-N-Out". Now as I pull up there are hundreds of cars around the parking lot and I can hear music just pumping. Well my keen grasp of the here and now determines, something is up.
After parking about six and a half miles from our little ristorante, I realize there is a fashion show going on in the parking lot of the In-N-Out. Now I know Draper thinks they are just about a step ahead of the rest of Utah, but seriously a fashion show in a burger joint parking lot? I mean what is next? a lawn mower race in a trailer park? Classy Draper, very classy.
Well me and my nosiness decides to sit and watch this trainwreck for as long as I can without being caught ignoring the conversation with my wife and her in-laws.
It turns out, it is considered a "fashion show" to have a dozen 19-23 year old "girls" strut around the 'stage' (also useful for parking cars) in jeans, ridiculously high heels, and a wife beater. All of them, in wifebeaters. ALL OF THEM!
What really set them apart was the color of the bras, black, teal, and the ever classy red bra under a white wife beater. Oh yes, this is truly a fashion show. For an hour, they walked around, danced, put weird things on their head (I truly have no idea what was going on here) and just simply embarrassed themselves. Fashion show....I think not.
The best part was after watching this for about an hour, in public, in a parking lot, in the open (are you picking up what I am putting down here?) I asked one of the fine employees of said eating establishment what was going on, they told me it was a fashion show supporting this or the other and I could buy a ticket to watch it for $25.
How about I just sit in the parking lot for free.....
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Where have you been?
I have been thinking about writing in my blog lately, wondering what could I possibly write? What could be so interesting anyone would want to read it? Well the point is to tell life's stories, good bad or indifferent.
Recently, Kyle is off to school, Lauren is now attending two high schools, because why should anything be simple, grant is in a Jr. High clear on the other side of forever, and Kade, well, lets just say Kade however demanding, is our normal.
I continue to travel somewhat frequently. As any faithful follower of my blog knows, if it is weird and obnoxious, it will happen to me while I am traveling. Two weeks ago I took the horribly awful 6 am flight, meaning I am up at 3:45. I had no idea there was another 3:45 apparently one passes in the night. I just thought 3:45 was simply for snack time, but there is another one....who knew.
Well the people who take these flights are mostly business men, a few casual travelers, old people, and the very rare parents and kids in feet jammies. I have learned to travel very well, I make George Clooney from Up in the Air look bad. I can move through the airport quickly and can pack 4 days worth of clothes in a sandwich bag. So as I get on the plane and sit down and wait for the lame duck slackers who take FOREVER to put your crap in the bin and sit down, I look one seat up and over from me and see her.
Yup, every travelers nightmare, Miss Chatty Kathy. She will not stop talking to anyone within 10 feet. She is talking to people passing, people across the aisle, behind her, in front of her, I think if she could, she would grab the mike and chat with the tower, and the entire plane.
We finally get everyone in their seats, teach them how to buckle a seat belt and go over our water evacuation options (which by the way, if we have a water evacuation on a flight to Denver we have much more to worry about than blowing in a stupid tube to properly inflate my vest) and then its off to the wild blue yonder.
As soon as we pass the 10,000 foot mark, I bust out my DVD player and start in with a good movie. As I start I see her. Our friend. Still talking, but now she has added a new dimension. This woman has taken off her white orthotics and is now clipping her toe nails. On the plane. Her toenails. On the plane. Toenails. The plane. At first I thought I must be missing something. I mean really who does this? So I pause my movie, luckily its not a critical part, and pull my earphones out. ... ... ... click ... ... click ... ... yup clipping away.
Who are these people, and where in the world do they get the idea that its OK to do these things?
Recently, Kyle is off to school, Lauren is now attending two high schools, because why should anything be simple, grant is in a Jr. High clear on the other side of forever, and Kade, well, lets just say Kade however demanding, is our normal.
I continue to travel somewhat frequently. As any faithful follower of my blog knows, if it is weird and obnoxious, it will happen to me while I am traveling. Two weeks ago I took the horribly awful 6 am flight, meaning I am up at 3:45. I had no idea there was another 3:45 apparently one passes in the night. I just thought 3:45 was simply for snack time, but there is another one....who knew.
Well the people who take these flights are mostly business men, a few casual travelers, old people, and the very rare parents and kids in feet jammies. I have learned to travel very well, I make George Clooney from Up in the Air look bad. I can move through the airport quickly and can pack 4 days worth of clothes in a sandwich bag. So as I get on the plane and sit down and wait for the lame duck slackers who take FOREVER to put your crap in the bin and sit down, I look one seat up and over from me and see her.
Yup, every travelers nightmare, Miss Chatty Kathy. She will not stop talking to anyone within 10 feet. She is talking to people passing, people across the aisle, behind her, in front of her, I think if she could, she would grab the mike and chat with the tower, and the entire plane.
We finally get everyone in their seats, teach them how to buckle a seat belt and go over our water evacuation options (which by the way, if we have a water evacuation on a flight to Denver we have much more to worry about than blowing in a stupid tube to properly inflate my vest) and then its off to the wild blue yonder.
As soon as we pass the 10,000 foot mark, I bust out my DVD player and start in with a good movie. As I start I see her. Our friend. Still talking, but now she has added a new dimension. This woman has taken off her white orthotics and is now clipping her toe nails. On the plane. Her toenails. On the plane. Toenails. The plane. At first I thought I must be missing something. I mean really who does this? So I pause my movie, luckily its not a critical part, and pull my earphones out. ... ... ... click ... ... click ... ... yup clipping away.
Who are these people, and where in the world do they get the idea that its OK to do these things?
Thursday, April 14, 2011
All The Way?
Recently, I have decided as the head of my family, we would start to read our scriptures nightly. We have tried this before with the same success as getting a teenager to clean her room (yes you Lauren). We tried reading one verse, one chapter, one verse each, leaving our scriptures on the table, listening online, beatings, torture, groundings, money, you name it we tried it.
Well this time, I was determined to make it stick. Rather than start from 1st Nephi and move from there because lets face it, no one makes it past 2nd Nephi, I decided to let one child choose a book, then one child picks a number for the chapter, then we each read how ever many verses we want.
This started out great, the kids usually will pick something they are interested in, we read as a family, and truthfully, the kids will often read more than one or two versus. It has turned out to be my one saving grace at home. I know each day, we can spend a few moments reading and talking about Christ. I truly enjoy it.
However, and there always is in my house, tonight as we read from James, in the Bible, Lauren mentioned that President Joseph F. Smith had read the Book of Mormon twice before he was ten. Grant, who is 11, said "That would have taken forever!"
Before anyone could speak, I seized my chance to take charge and insert my Priesthood role as the father of the family and tell the children how easy it was to read the Book of Mormon if you just focused on it, I said "I read the Book of Mormon in about a month when I was in the Marine Corps".
Grant said this "Holy Crap! Even with Alma?"
Yes Grant, even with Alma....
Stay on your toes with this gang
Well this time, I was determined to make it stick. Rather than start from 1st Nephi and move from there because lets face it, no one makes it past 2nd Nephi, I decided to let one child choose a book, then one child picks a number for the chapter, then we each read how ever many verses we want.
This started out great, the kids usually will pick something they are interested in, we read as a family, and truthfully, the kids will often read more than one or two versus. It has turned out to be my one saving grace at home. I know each day, we can spend a few moments reading and talking about Christ. I truly enjoy it.
However, and there always is in my house, tonight as we read from James, in the Bible, Lauren mentioned that President Joseph F. Smith had read the Book of Mormon twice before he was ten. Grant, who is 11, said "That would have taken forever!"
Before anyone could speak, I seized my chance to take charge and insert my Priesthood role as the father of the family and tell the children how easy it was to read the Book of Mormon if you just focused on it, I said "I read the Book of Mormon in about a month when I was in the Marine Corps".
Grant said this "Holy Crap! Even with Alma?"
Yes Grant, even with Alma....
Stay on your toes with this gang
Sunday, April 10, 2011
AHHHHH!!!!
Well, through recent events, my life has taken a fairly good turn for the better. I won't bore you with the details, but I would like to share one small morsel.
This weekend my wife and I had the opportunity to spend some time alone together. Now we always have date night. I truly believe date night is sacred and even if we are frustrated with each other, we go. Well this week we went with my brother and his wife. Somehow they had offered to take our two youngest to have a sleepless over at my brothers house.
My two middle children are off goofing around in CA on band tour (no jokes about band camp please), This would mean, that my wife and I were all alone. Yes all alone in the house for aver 24 hours. My first thought "LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!"
The children disappeared around 2pm on Saturday and we had been doing chores and goofing off a bit. My darling wife was out making the women of the world look gorgeous, so I had the house all to myself.
What happened next should have been my first clue. My wife got home around 3:30, neither of us had eaten anything all day, so at 4pm we decided to go to "dinner". Now I ask you, what kind of people go to dinner at 4pm? Yup, you guessed it, we were the retired crowd dinner group.
Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with a little Cafe Rio in the afternoon (not a metaphor). But dinner at 4pm really? We left for home with full tummies, and remembered the NASCAR race was on. How nice for us, we could snuggle in bed, hold each other close, watch the race.....etc, etc, etc. (insert wiggly eyebrows here)
Well to make a long story short we were both asleep by 6:30.
Yup, life in the fast lane.
This weekend my wife and I had the opportunity to spend some time alone together. Now we always have date night. I truly believe date night is sacred and even if we are frustrated with each other, we go. Well this week we went with my brother and his wife. Somehow they had offered to take our two youngest to have a sleepless over at my brothers house.
My two middle children are off goofing around in CA on band tour (no jokes about band camp please), This would mean, that my wife and I were all alone. Yes all alone in the house for aver 24 hours. My first thought "LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!"
The children disappeared around 2pm on Saturday and we had been doing chores and goofing off a bit. My darling wife was out making the women of the world look gorgeous, so I had the house all to myself.
What happened next should have been my first clue. My wife got home around 3:30, neither of us had eaten anything all day, so at 4pm we decided to go to "dinner". Now I ask you, what kind of people go to dinner at 4pm? Yup, you guessed it, we were the retired crowd dinner group.
Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with a little Cafe Rio in the afternoon (not a metaphor). But dinner at 4pm really? We left for home with full tummies, and remembered the NASCAR race was on. How nice for us, we could snuggle in bed, hold each other close, watch the race.....etc, etc, etc. (insert wiggly eyebrows here)
Well to make a long story short we were both asleep by 6:30.
Yup, life in the fast lane.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Marketing Anyone?
In keeping with the recent funny theme, I would like to share this little morsel with my public.
I usually start listening to sports radio about halfway through the basketball season. I like to keep up just a bit with whats going on, and really I am only in the car for about an hour a day, and I get my sports fix, its a good solution.
A few days ago, the morning show was discussing the usual and I had zoned out just a bit. Then the commercial came on. THE commercial, the commercial to end all commercials.
Before I dazzle you with this tastly little dish, I would like to say, my degree is in marketing. I have thousands of dollars of student debt becuase I know how to market things, and how to take surveys, and find what people want, but more importantly, I learned the fine art of double checking your work.
I wish I could find the script word for word, but this is what I heard:
"Men, its basketball season, time to get out and play with the boys, play hard, show your stuff" (anyone noticing a theme here?) The announcer continues...:
"When your not on the court you are riding the pine" (fine a nice basketball term, I can deal with that)"Well, why not get off the pine, and go get a vasectomy"
It went on to give the name of doctor so-and-so who can do such-and-such with the you-know-whats and then you can have all the you-knows without worrying about the uh-ohs.
I was simply baffled. First why all the references to playing with the boys and showing your stuff, and then out of no where, "get off the pine and go get a vasectomy?" I mean, I can see getting off the pine to go get a slurpee, or a taco, but a vasectomy? How does that play out?
Bill: "Mark, I am coming in for you man"
Mark: "Thanks man, I am exhausted. You know rather than sitting out, I am going to run over and get snipped. You wanna come along?"
Really, did anyone read this, listen to it. proof it, think about it? Really?
I usually start listening to sports radio about halfway through the basketball season. I like to keep up just a bit with whats going on, and really I am only in the car for about an hour a day, and I get my sports fix, its a good solution.
A few days ago, the morning show was discussing the usual and I had zoned out just a bit. Then the commercial came on. THE commercial, the commercial to end all commercials.
Before I dazzle you with this tastly little dish, I would like to say, my degree is in marketing. I have thousands of dollars of student debt becuase I know how to market things, and how to take surveys, and find what people want, but more importantly, I learned the fine art of double checking your work.
I wish I could find the script word for word, but this is what I heard:
"Men, its basketball season, time to get out and play with the boys, play hard, show your stuff" (anyone noticing a theme here?) The announcer continues...:
"When your not on the court you are riding the pine" (fine a nice basketball term, I can deal with that)"Well, why not get off the pine, and go get a vasectomy"
It went on to give the name of doctor so-and-so who can do such-and-such with the you-know-whats and then you can have all the you-knows without worrying about the uh-ohs.
I was simply baffled. First why all the references to playing with the boys and showing your stuff, and then out of no where, "get off the pine and go get a vasectomy?" I mean, I can see getting off the pine to go get a slurpee, or a taco, but a vasectomy? How does that play out?
Bill: "Mark, I am coming in for you man"
Mark: "Thanks man, I am exhausted. You know rather than sitting out, I am going to run over and get snipped. You wanna come along?"
Really, did anyone read this, listen to it. proof it, think about it? Really?
Monday, February 14, 2011
We're funny...
I have had nothing really to blog about for the longest time. All my followers have been begging for another post, pestering really. The throngs are clambering for more. Clearly I am loved.
I have traveled nowhere, done nothing, and had no mind blowing experiences. I have learned nothing, and not been aware of any life changing experiences. What I have realized however, is my family is very funny. We say funny things (except for my wife, she doesn't say very many funny things)we do funny things, and funny things happen for us. Like this:
A few months ago, I was giving a small announcement in sacrament meeting. I may have said something slightly witty and received a few obligatory chuckles. As I sat down, my 11 year old son leaned over to me and said, "Dad, we are the cool family in the ward, huh?"
While watching the Grammy's, there was one performance when quite a few Asian looking drummers came up on stage and performed with the band playing and Kyle yells out "HEY!!! IT'S THE NINJA HIGH MARCHING BAND!!!"
Kade was listening, as much as an eight year old can, to Grant sing the song of the Books of Mormon and when Grant got to "Jacob, Enos, Jarom, Omni..." Kade didnt quite hear and said Jacob, Penis, Peperoni, WHAT????"
Recently my beautiful wife was getting ready and as always looked absolutely stunning. Kade, in all his wisdom said "Mom, you look like a thousand bucks"
What is truly shocking to me is Lauren, who is so witty, you have to really try and keep up with her humor, hasnt chimed in. Keeping to herself. It worries me really. Lauren always says those things which you really have to reach for to get. Her humor transcends ordinary human humor and if you are not on your game, forget it, she will leave you in the dust.
Kyle however, is always setting me up for the quick one liners. Its almost too easy. Yes life at my house is funny. I love it.
I have traveled nowhere, done nothing, and had no mind blowing experiences. I have learned nothing, and not been aware of any life changing experiences. What I have realized however, is my family is very funny. We say funny things (except for my wife, she doesn't say very many funny things)we do funny things, and funny things happen for us. Like this:
A few months ago, I was giving a small announcement in sacrament meeting. I may have said something slightly witty and received a few obligatory chuckles. As I sat down, my 11 year old son leaned over to me and said, "Dad, we are the cool family in the ward, huh?"
While watching the Grammy's, there was one performance when quite a few Asian looking drummers came up on stage and performed with the band playing and Kyle yells out "HEY!!! IT'S THE NINJA HIGH MARCHING BAND!!!"
Kade was listening, as much as an eight year old can, to Grant sing the song of the Books of Mormon and when Grant got to "Jacob, Enos, Jarom, Omni..." Kade didnt quite hear and said Jacob, Penis, Peperoni, WHAT????"
Recently my beautiful wife was getting ready and as always looked absolutely stunning. Kade, in all his wisdom said "Mom, you look like a thousand bucks"
What is truly shocking to me is Lauren, who is so witty, you have to really try and keep up with her humor, hasnt chimed in. Keeping to herself. It worries me really. Lauren always says those things which you really have to reach for to get. Her humor transcends ordinary human humor and if you are not on your game, forget it, she will leave you in the dust.
Kyle however, is always setting me up for the quick one liners. Its almost too easy. Yes life at my house is funny. I love it.
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