Not that anyone reads this, or that anyone cares, but I had some things happen recently I JUST HAD to share. Its been so long since I have written, I thought it didn't matter. I thought maybe my thoughts or opinions didn't matter, but they do. They do to me. It has been such a life changing few years I am not sure where to start. I am sitting in my work office in Paris, yes the France one, and thinking how long its been, how I have changed, how my family has changed, and how life sometimes just takes you away no matter how strong you think you are.
Over the last few years my life has made a complete 180, or in the vernacular of my mother "you have made a complete 360", Things I thought were important, are not. Things I thought I needed to spend time on, I don't. Things I knew I needed to fix and correct, I shouldn't. Things other people needed to fix about themselves, they don't. At first I thought the other people were changing, and the world was simply getting better, but I realize it's me. something my wonderful wife has always told me. Its you. It's always you. I guess she knew, she's so smart that way.
Looking back is painful sometimes, if you let it be. It's also very eye opening and helpful. You can regret, stew over, grieve, reminisce, meditate, and just plain think about, or you can realize that things are just as they are supposed to be. They always have been and they always will be. Its just the way it is. Pres. Hinckey said, "Things will always work out in the end, if they haven't worked out, its not the end." I love that saying, and it has taken a more relevant space in my life lately.
I have not always been the best Dad, husband, Priesthood holder, etc. but I have always been me. Sometimes the good me shows up and the kids are happy, the wife is happy, and things are good. quite often, the yucky me is around, and things are not so good. I took quite a bit of pride in making sure everyone knew how right I was on all fronts. I am a smart guy, quite a bit of experience and I made sure everyone knew it. What I have come to realize very recently is, no matter who it is, they can teach you something. In Paris, I was very humbled to realize, I don't speak French. I am not sure when I quite realized it, but getting into a taxi asking them to take me somewhere, I was very blessed that a taxi driver; someone society typically thinks of as a lower class worker, speaks 4 times as many languages as I do. I needed to rely on him completely and hope he was taking me where I needed to go. Everyone can teach you something.
I am not strong. I used to think I was kinda strong. I was kinda fit. I was kinda active. I mean, I was no Arnold, but I could push, pull, take, make, move, things the way I needed them. Physically, I have fallen. Everything hurts, what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. I used to be able to move furniture all weekend. it now takes an effort just to get on my knees to look under a desk. Old age is a terrible thing. thinking you are old is even worse. I now look for the 'best' way to move something, or heaven forbid, I even ask for help.
I am not mentally strong. I know more about myself now than I ever have. I know what i need, and I need help from my Father in Heaven. He literally gets me through each day. Without boring you with the horrible details, I lost my job last year. 7 months without employment. Somehow, someway, we made it. there was much prayer, much pondering, and much gratitude for what I had been blessed with. I realized, everything I do, everything I have, everything I need, should be about Him. He without question kept me alive.
My wife is wonderful. I could not possibly describe what a wonderful woman I married. I also could not possibly explain how patient she is, and has been with me. Sometimes I look at her when she's sleeping and think "man, if I was her, I would have been so mad at me". I am truly blessed. I have good kids. Not perfect kids, but good kids. Usually they do the right thing, they are very opinionated and very willing to share their thoughts. They want to do the right thing, they are polite, they can look you in the eye when they shake your hand. I am truly blessed.
All in all, I have realized, this life is exactly what you make of it. When someone asks me how I am doing, I truly tell them with no sarcasm, I am AWESOME! And I am, I mean what really do I have to complain about? Sure things go wrong, sure things get stressful, but the important things, the REALLY important things in my life are all great. I have great kids, a place to live, a car getting me from A to Z, and I have an eternal companion who loves me no matter how glaring my faults are, and I have a Heavenly Father who truly knows me and truly loves me. He loves me enough to know when to let me fall a bit, so I can come back to him. He loves me enough to put the right people in my life to help me along.
I just need to remember to accept the help.....
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